yearning for balance!

ack, the mean reds, they're here. biting clenching hurting. i am so sad. for no reason crying, hurting, wanting, needing to bleed. the depression is first, then comes the need to make it stop. my first thought is; make myself bleed.

sometimes i think about the depression i would get from PMS and how once i started menstruating the depression would lift. is that what i am doing now? hoping that with bloodletting comes release?

i think i need to call the doctor tomorrow, because i do think that it's getting to the point of needing medical change. when i start yearning to cut...it's time to get help. so tomorrow i will call my doc to make an appt. see what else i can take with effexor (max dose) that will help this go away.

but i'm pushing myself to get some jewelry made...i actually do some of my best work when in a depression, it releases the creative in me in a way....like depression is an angry muse..she comes to you.

you feel depresssion and pain.
you feel creative and alive.
why does it take pain and blood to feel alive?

and if i get on stronger meds, do i lose my creative side? i surely hope not. here's hoping. i'm hoping to keep busy tonight with jewelry making and visiting my friend guy...he'll be over soon to watch AI with me. that will help, i know.

sometimes i feel like such a whiney bitch. but i know i have other days when i feel okay with it all and on those days i try to give back.

~zen...yearning for more balance. 2 little birdies chirped