let me purge myself.

"I'll draw you a picture,
I'll draw it with a twist,
I'll draw it with a razorblade,
I'll draw it on my wrist.
And if I draw it correctly,
a red fountain will appear...
to wash away my sorrows,
to chase away my fears."

-Anonymous

i haven't cut in months...but still it's a part of me. it's still what i want to do when i'm too sad, too angry, too frustrated, too sick, too anything really! it's like i still have all the same feelings, the same depression, the same fear, the same wearies and i'm not cutting or purging or starving. but it's SO hard to get through each day. i feel like each day lasts 48 hours! i just looked at the clock and it's not even 3PM and i'm already so emotionally DONE for the day.

the days go by with me arguing with myself "don't think about that!", "change of subject", "stop dwelling on it"....and now that i've given up the things that helped me deal with things, i'm just so tired. when does it get better? when does life become not an act?

i put on my smiling face every morning when i get dressed. i tell everyone, why yes, i'm doing great! yes, i feel good! the mask stays in place because i don't want anyone worrying about me, not my daughter, not the hubby, not my mom. and it's not like every single minute of every day is a battle. i do have good times and good days!

there are times when i don't have to put on the mask...i genuinely am happy...like when we went to the baseball game! physically i was hurting like a motherfucker from all the walking, but emotionally i had a ball!

but yesterday and today i just feel like numbing out! and i did drink last night. grrrr, but i luckily didn't have much whiskey left after wednesday night! how do people just live without their crutches? one day at a time i suppose...just like the 12-step groups say, maybe they have something there!

~for today i'm zen and i'm tired.
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