dreams, suicide and standing tall

i had the weirdest dream last night. we were on vacation, hubby and i and staying at this really awful hotel. i complained to the manager about how bad our room was so she gave us our stay free. we then were able to go stay at this other hotel on the beach. it was like a big home that people were staying in. after we got there i realized it was actually a type of hospital. there was a huge inside pool that curved around one end of the house...and the ocean was right outside the door. there was a very quiet gentle man who told me he was a doctor and he could help my eating disorder if i would let him. i got scared and ran away from him into the ocean. a young man followed me into the ocean and began swimming with me...we swam amoung huge chunks of ice and snow, yet the water was warm. the man held me carefully in his arms as we swam as one. i felt so peaceful. until we got back to the house and my hubby was there again...i began to cry and ran from him. i wanted to be back in the water with my mystery swimmer where i felt comfort. my hubby told me it was time to leave and my heart sank as i realized my hope for getting better was being left behind in that strange house on the ocean. the man who was the doctor called out to me...can you come back tomorrow at noon for an appointment? i will be here for you. it will be okay. i told him yes but then tearfully followed my husband away.

i then woke up...i can't even really describe how i felt in the dream while swimming. the sense of peace and comfort was undescribable. i understand the dream...i love water and feel more at home in the water than i do on land. and i know my eating disorder is getting worse. i'm purging more and more often and my jeans are falling off my hips. i know i need to stop...but right now i need this. it's me, it's who i am. it's all i am.

the hubby came home from work last night and told me that his oldest brother's wife tried to kill herself over the weekend. his brother found her and the hospital said thirty minutes longer and she would have died. i was so saddened by this! i asked the hubby why she did it, what had gotten so bad for her that she felt the need to die. the hubby was mean about it...said she was a stupid fat bitch and it's too bad she didn't die, that his brother was so sick of her crap he was going to leave her now. i said "now? when she needs him the most"...he said "yup...depression is bullshit, it doesn't exist and it's just a copout". i knew he felt this way about depression, but he was just so cold about the whole thing that it made me curl up inside. he said his brother was at about the same point he was with me! he said he is so tired of me being sick and not working and having this broken body that he doesn't know how much longer he can take it. he said the only reason i am still here is because i am nice...that if i was bitchy like the sister in law i'd be gone already. it made me feel so sad at first, then so angry!

what the hell does he think marriage is? for better for worse, in sickness and health mean nothing to him. i'm just pissed. i'm so exhausted by him. trying so hard to please and placate him. when i step back and look at my truly obsequious behavior around him at times it makes me cringe. why do i let him turn me into this?

the other night he called me a stupid whore. now, i know that i am not stupid, nor am i whore but it still stung. how can a man call his wife that because of something so stupid! he was on the phone with his parents and i told him "ask them when they are coming to visit, i got the spare room all ready for them"....he got angry at me for interrupting him on the phone. normally i would softly apologize and walk away but i decided to stand up for myself and said "why is it that EVERY time i am on the phone with my mom i have to put down the phone to answer every question you have...but when i ask a simple nice question to be relayed to your parents you go off". he yelled that it is because i am always on the fucking phone...which is so not true because i hate talking on the phone, much preferring email and instant messaging. at that point i walked away because i didn't want him screaming at me while his parents were on the phone.

later when i was lying on the couch reading he came in to continue yelling at me. i told him to just go away i didn't want to talk. i think the fact that i didn't beg for forgiveness and apologize excessively shocked him because he told me i was a stupid whore and walked off.

it just made me realize that i never stand up for myself. i walk on eggshells around his temper, constantly apologizing for the fact that i have a blood disease that caused these blood clots and nerve damage circulatory and valve damage. why the hell do i apologize for a genetic disease that i have no control over? to keep the peace that is why. how much longer will i do this? when do i become the type of woman that i want my daughter to be? what will be the repercussions?

~zen 0 little birdies chirped