Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

bills, bills, bills

yes, i am whoring my own thread today...deal with it! you know you want to read more entries! lol

today is supposed to be a beautiful day. here i sit on the couch with the laptop on my lap, dog curled at my feet,television on in the background, parrots chirping on their cages. i'm surfing and posting and generally being lazy as i wait for the pain pills to kick in. i have a doctors appointment with the hematologist today at three, but other than that i am totally unmotivated. i am so tired of the hubby coming home every day wanting a list of what i did that day. not a literal written down list of course, but rather a snide "so what did you do today?". i don't know what he wants from me? he knows i feel like shit, that i am waiting on this surgery to fix the spinal cord stimulator. i have no control over the doctors. what does he want from me?

i know what he wants, a physically healthy wife with a good job who brings home a paycheck every week. and i want that too! i don't enjoy being home every day. i like to work! i like to get out of the house and see people and i like getting that paycheck at the end of the week. and i am working towards that by getting the stim fixed. but it's a process over which i don't have control. right now it's all up to the doctor's scheduling the surgery. he needs to be angry at them not me.

these last two entries have made the husband sound like a nightmare and he's really not a bad man. he's just selfish (which he is the first to admit) and he hates all things medical, which makes my medical issues so hard for him to deal with. he doesn't believe in psychiatric problems such as depression and eating disorders so i cannot discuss these issues with him or go to therapy for them. i know he does love me, he's just so angry and frustrated about money and bills and it makes him need to take it out on someone...and he blames me for the money problems. our medical bills are drowning us and i just don't know what to do.

~zen 0 little birdies chirped

9:48 a.m. :: ::
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