opening the dresser drawers

i just woke up from disturbing dreams of pregnancy tests and thinking i was pregnant and being destroyed that i wasn't. finally i awoke and was inundated with the feelings from my time of infertility treatments fifteen years ago.

you see, somehow i had tripped into a couple of infertitlity blogs that touched my heart deeply. i read them from beginning to end; and i guess they stayed in my mind and heart even during my sleep. because i dreamed of thinking i was pregnant and then the test saying otherwise, over and over again.

this brought up so many feelings of what i went through fifteen years ago that i still feel slightly lost in the past. this hasn't been something i've ever really talked about. it's something i've smushed down into an old drawer in my brain, thinking i'd never take back out again.

that damn dresser of the brain is so full and the stinkin' drawers just seem to not stay such! anyone have any duct tape???

so, i decided to write the story of the pregnancy of my daughter and the subsequent attempt for a second child, which never did come to fruitition. the story of my daughter's conception, the story of my first marriage and eventual demise...those stories are now begging to be written.

and so i shall. the next few entries in this diary will tell the story of my past, starting with meeting my daughter's father. i am skipping the teenage years of anorexia, perhaps i will go back to them later.

so be on the look out for part I...probably to be posted later today. wish me luck as i open the drawers and begin remembering.

~zen 3 little birdies chirped