and so it ends...

the hubby came into my room this morning and informed that he is having separation papers drawn up this week. he said he is sick of me and my medical problems and my not listening (really obeying) him. he said he is transerring all the money into his own account. i told him that wasn't fair that i was entitled to half of that money. he said i'm wrong, that it is his money. he said he will agree to put me on his insurance temporarily until i can find a full time job. but he won't give me any money.

i don't know. while a huge part of me is really ready for this marriage to be over; there is a part of me that is so sad for the thirteen years we've been together. in many ways we are a good team. the trouble is he always wants to be the one making all the rules and he expects me to blindly follow them. i'm so tired of putting my needs and feelings aside for him. he tells me i'm fat and ugly. hideously fat were his exact words. he hasn't wanted me to share a bed with him in six months now. ever since i started gaining weight this summer after my three back surgeries. he told me not too long ago that he'd "let" me give him a blow job, but he had no desire to have sex with me while i was so fat. the thing is; i'm not what anyone would describe as fat. sure i did gain thirty five pounds after my back surgeries...but i was underweight when i started gaining. he just can't stand any weight on a woman.

while he was talking to me this morning all i could think was..."i get my maiden name back!!!" ... and "oh my goddess, this will be so hard on our animals". that is my main worry now...my fids. my thea and his hawk have shared a cage for almost ten years and now he will be taking hawk away. not sure how my thea will handle this. she is so bonded to hawk. i feel so sad for her.

so i need to work really hard at getting job. i have two in the works that could turn into something. keep your fingers crossed for me. i also have two friends (a couple) that have been apartment hunting and they said they'd love to move in here with me and split the rent. i live in a big old three story house and there is plenty of room for the three of us. one thing i was wondering...since they are a couple, do we split the rent fifty/fifty or in thirds. thoughts?

~zen (soon to be a single chick) 12 little birdies chirped