just rambling and blathering on....

tomorrow is thanksgiving. a holiday that i don't particularly care for. let's see...i am 42 years old and my eating disorder began at age 15 so that means i have puked up 27 thanksgiving dinners. because i have you know. no matter what state of recovery i have been in...thanksgiving and christmas dinners always throw me into a miasma of craziness and i always always eat and smile at everyone and say how thankful i am that i am able to eat with them and enjoy it. then a few minutes later i find myself in a bathroom with my fingers down my throat. i wonder how many pounds of turkey i have vomited into the porcelain bowl? that all just seems so very sad to me.

my hubby doesn't know i still puke sometimes. i did it today in fact, at work. no one knows that i still do it, well except for those of you who read this blog. you know i don't think it's something i will ever stop doing. i know it doesn't help in weight loss. in fact i often gain weight when i am purging a lot. it's not about the weight or the food...it's about the act of purging itself. and the feeling of relief i get after. it's that feeling i am constantly chasing.

i feel like i am always chasing that feeling. of relief, peace, silence, contentedness, stillness. because i don't seem to be able to find it on my own. which is why i take lunesta to sleep and effexor so i don't cut and the other behaviors that i do so that i don't just explode into this pile of feelings and words. because my brain NEVER shuts down. NEVER. my hubby always says: just relax and go to sleep. stop thinking about things and sleep. and i'm like: what the fuck? how do you turn off your mind. my mind is like the autobahn highway...no speed limit, no rules....it just races along and never quits.

it's really quite exhausting.

~zen (feeling rather naked after exposing so much of herself tonight) 4 little birdies chirped