medication and doctor and pain rant...read at your own risk.
things have been okay in the house of zen. I haven't really been doing too much. Stayed home the past two weekends...which does not lead to new diaryland entries!! last weekend i wasn't feeling well...my legs have really been bothering me. when my legs hurt like that i just lay on the couch and try to focus on a movie or tv but it is so difficult!
i had a talk with the hubby about things. i told him that when the pain gets that bad i just can't see the point of my life. it is spent searching for an end to pain, while the greatest cure is always in the back of my head..........death. a total, permanent end to pain. and some days it looks SO enticing! the days where i hurt so much that getting out of bed seems an impossibility......i long for the quietness of death. but then i think of my daughter and my mom and my hubby and my fids....and i just can't do that to them.
so when i went to the pain doc last week i begged him to give me something that would actually work. that would enable me to work and actually get home from work and not have to go to bed in tears. i told him how frustrated i was by trying so many pills and drugs and then trying the spinal cord stimulator and having it work then to fall and dislocate one of the leads and when they operated to fix it, i got a staph infection around my spine and had to have the stim removed and because of the cutting they had to do in my spine they can't ever put it back....so that option is gone to be forever.
i told him...this is the the rest of my life we are talking about and i have got to find something that works! then i started bawling. i hate when i do that! but i was just so miserable and was in so much pain. i had tried to vacuum my living room and clean out the bird cages the weekend before my appt. and it had put me down for four days. i told him i can't live this way.
so he prescribed me a different med...which he promised would really help. and he increased my lyrica and increased my avinza. he said something that i didn't quite understand. he said that once he was sure the infection was totally gone from my back (i thought it WAS gone??) he had a new plan he wanted to implement. so i am on the new meds now and they have been working very well. amazingly well. my only fear is that since they are opiates, my body will adjust to them (which it seems to do quickly) and it will take higher and higher doses to get them to work.
i'm on doses now that would make most normal people comatose for days! lol you know before i had the spinal cord stimulator put in i had spent a year taking oxycontin and it was awesome! i was on it for over a year total and never had to have to dose changed and it totally changed my life!!! i went back to work full time, started doing daily yoga, lost twenty pounds and was even getting muscles!!!
then i went to my pain clinic and they talked me into easing off of the oxycontin and getting the spinal cord stimulator....and we know how well that worked out!! so now they are putting me back on pain meds but for some reason are being all freaky about the oxycontin! pisses me off! i mean i was on it for over a year and never once abused it or took it as i wasn't supposed to. but because of all the idiots out there who abuse it and steal it etc, etc, the doc are feaked out to dispense it!
so i'm on the medication merry go round. ugh. okay enough of this...i'll be back tomorrow and actually talk about something else, i promise!
