Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

pensive thoughts...

i couldn't sleep last night. my brain was racing and roaring, making me exhausted yet still too riled up to sleep. (riled up! who says that anymore?) i was up til almost 5AM. grrr. then had to set the alarm for 7AM because i had an early doctor's appointment.

i guess i'll take you through my day. after getting up and getting ready to go to the doctor, i was sitting out on my front porch balcony (smoking the forbidden cigarette *g*)when the hubby comes out and grunts at me, "get your ass ready".

i repeat to myself, "i will not argue with him, i will not argue with him". which lasts all of 30 seconds before he jumps on me and says, "you don't know how close you are to being out of here".

i retort, "don't be ridiculous".

"you don't know how serious i am" he says. "you went behind my back last night and bought cigarettes".

to which i replied, "no, you told me not to go get cigarettes and i told you i was an adult and could make that decision for myself and i was going to get cigarettes. that was the opposite of behind your back."

"if you go buy one more pack of cigarettes, you might as well just pack your bags and get the hell out" he yells as he stomps through the living room grabbing his keys off the table and heading for the door.

we continue in that same vein in the car while heading towards the doc. finally i tell him that i am tired of fighting about it.

"i don't want to discuss this anymore. i cannot stand you treating me like a child. i'm an adult, not some little girl you can order around and forbid to do things", i say calmly. "we've discussed this smoking issue and we both came to the decision together that i'd stop smoking when i got a new job. i AM going to smoke until then, because i enjoy it. i don't spending money on anything else, i don't eat out, i don't buy things for myself."

buy this time we're at the doctor's appointment and we've both fallen silent. as it's an early appointment, i get in almost right away. the doc checks my two incisions and says the top one still shows some signs of infection so he's not going to stitch it, wants us to keep packing it and changing the packing and bandages daily. the bottom incision is healing better and he actually removes the stiches, YAY!

i ask him how long it is going to take the upper (the bad one) incision to finally heal, how long we're going to have to keep packing it and the doc tells me probably about two months. TWO MONTHS? two more months of packing this every day? he says yes, and that when it does heal most of the way he'll have a plastic surgeon take a long at it because the scar is going to be so bad. he also tells me still no exercising. grrrr.

during the appointment the hubby and i haven't really spoken to each other at all. we go out and get in the car and the hubby begins speaking softly to me.

he tells me that i was right, he had agreed that it was fine if i continued smoking until i went to work, and he was wrong to try to change things on me. *me with mouth wide open* he also apologizes for going off on me.

we continue discussing things all the way home. how he's stressed about not knowing what is going to happen with his job ... they are laying off all the IT guys sometime from october - december. and while they're offering a great severance package it still means he'll have to start interviewing (which he hates) and job hunting. how he wants to buy a house so badly, that he's worried about my medical bills and he's worried about me.

he went back to work and proceeded to call me several times during the day acting as if nothing ever happened.

and i feel better now, i'm no longer angry or hurt about last night. i'm still confused about how i want to handle our future. i love him so much and i can't imagine my life without him. but i can't stand these fights we have. they tear me up inside.

i suppose for now i'll just try to be more understanding of what he's dealing with and just keep hoping that he'll start being more careful about my feelings. he knows he hurts me when he screams and says hurtful things, but he says that when he gets angry the words just spew out before he has time to filter them.

*sigh* i really believe we'll make it thru this. i think i have to learn to just stand up for myself regardless and not allow him to treat me like a child, but to do it in a quiet non-threatening, non confrontational way. i think he'll probably end up respecting me more as a person then as well.

ahhh, having this place to come pour out my thoughts is such a great catharsis. thank goodness for computers, eh?

~zen - feeling sleepy now.

p.s. have to ask what you my dear readers think of the color changes in my diaries? i went to a green background (to match the fid's feathers) and a deeper not so neon blue. please comment and let me know. 4 little birdies chirped

12:50 a.m. :: ::
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