Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

hot, tired and cranky! i'm ready for autumn!

well, the heat and humidity has me zapped and wiped out! i didn't end up doing my noon ritual yesterday because the weather had my energy so drained i was afraid of attempting a ritual feeling that way. i try to never do rituals when feeling badly physically or spiritually. i decided i'd be better off waiting a couple of days for the weather to break and allow myself time to actually write my own ritual rather then getting one out of a book or off the internet.

i'm still feeling positive about making changes. my mind is racing with thoughts and plans and i'm going to attempt to reign them in and focus them a bit. try to figure out what my most important goals are, prioritize them as you will.

i need to get some of my books back out and notebooks and writings. i want this to be a special thing, not something sloppily thrown together that just won't have the meaning i want it to have.

i want, no need to make changes in my life and i know one of the first places i need to start is taking better care of my body, especially in regards to food and exercise. i've still not been given the go ahead by the doc to even ride my exercise bike...grrr. hopefully very soon, because i know that will help immensely.

i also need to start seriously making some decisions about my marriage. in many ways i feel like i'm living a lie. i tell everyone, family and friends alike that my marriage is wonderful and my hubby is so good to me. every once in awhile the facade slips in here, in diaryland and i'm honest. but then it's almost habit i suppose but i start again; into my fantasy world of how i want my marriage to be.

it's not a partnership. my husband treats me like a child. he scolds me, he lectures me, he doesn't listen to me and as long as i act the dutiful shy little butterfly with him he does treat me well. so i feel this huge split in my being. i'm not this passive little thing that he needs me to be. but when my strong more dominant side shows that's when he blows up and we fight. so i slip back into my little shell and smile and fawn and our little fairytale continues.

so, how do i live with him and still love and respect myself? how can i be true to who i truly am and still be the wife he needs? because i do love him. and i believe he loves me; the me he wants me to be anyway. there's times he is so loving and gentle and we have such fun together. but if i stand up to anything he doesn't want me to do or be; snap!! and he blows.

i think all marriages must be like this to a degree. i think we want to please our spouses and at times act in ways that are opposing to our true personalities. the problem is when you have to start hiding your true self more often than not.

tonight was another blow up from him. a couple of weeks ago he took away my credit cards and check book because he didn't want me to buy cigarettes. then he goes and buys them for me anyway, so i think it was just a control thing.

so tonight i was out of ciggies and wanted to go buy a pack and asked him to take me; as i have no way of paying for anything. (see, he likes to keep me childlike) he refused and went off on the price of cigarettes. which i do truly understand; but damn i needed a smoke tonight!

so i told him i was just going to take his credit card (he's hidden all mine and i don't know where they are); because i was sure the gas station would let me use it. he started yelling at me and told me if i went out to buy ciggies we were thru, he was leaving me. told me to get the fuck out, he didn't know why he was even with me, i was worthless, wasn't working (hello, i've had three surgeries this summer!! i can't work right now). yada yada yads...he went on.

well of course i wasn't going to stand for being threatened so i went out and bought a pack of ciggies with his credit card. so, i have no idea what will happen tomorrow...if he'll just pout for a day or two and then go on as if nothing were even said? that's generally his way.

but oh this is stressful going thru this every couple of weeks. he's leaving me, he's not leaving me. and in between we DO have good sweet times. but when do you say it's time for me to just be ME and you have to learn to accept me and respect me? *sigh* decisions, decisions.

~zen (hot and tired and cranky) 5 little birdies chirped

2:12 a.m. :: ::
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