Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

the care and feeding of husbands...

well things are better. the hubby and i have had several long conversations over the past couple of days and i've at least been able to explain to him how it feels when he lashes out at me.

while he isn't quite ready to delve into the reasons why he blows up in anger, he was able to hold a conversation with me and apologize. i know! amazing!

from our conversations, what i was able to conclude is that he's frustrated that i'm not taking caring of my body and he's worried about bills and money.

he feels that with all of my health problems i should be more proactive in doing what i can to get healthier in the ways i can. and i do agree about that.

i explained to him that if he is supportive of me and tries to help, i'm much more liable to put forth the effort to eat healthier and exercise. but when he screams and yells at me, it just makes me angry and part of me just wants to say "fuck you", i'll do what i want.

yeah, real mature on my part i will be the first to admit. i did try to explain to him that yes there are things i can to to make myself all around healthier i.e. exercising regularly, eating more fruits and vegetables, there are things that are out of my control.

i can't control the factor V leiden or what the years of blood clots, poor circulation and nerve damage have done to my legs. i can't control the fact that my spinal cord stimulator broke and that in trying to fix it i ended up with a staph infection. i can't control the fact that right now the doctor has forbidden me to exercise.

i think we did come to some sort of a balance in that he will attempt to hold his tongue when he's angry. and he will try to differentiate between what i can work on and what i have no control over.

so i do feel like we were able to discuss things like adults and come to a good compromise; time will tell how things pan out.

but i do feel better about things between us and i'm so proud of myself for not fighting back and for waiting until we were both calm before bringing up things for converstaion.

so this morning i was back in the operating room. don't worry nothing major, this was planned. today was the day the doctor decided to partially close my incisions. the bottom incision was able to be closed most of the way. and the top incision was left open about 1/2 inch. it's the deepest incision and the base of where the infection began.

the closing took less than two hours and the doctor was very careful to use lots and lots of antibiotics to flush the wounds. what i didn't realise was how badly it would hurt afterwards! WOW and ouch!

i guess i thought that once they started the process of closing the incisions it would hurt less. wrong! they had to cut away some tissue from the top incision so there was quite a bit of bleeding there. so i'm home lying on the couch and hurting a lot more than i thought i would.

my home health care nurse was here today to change the bandages on my picc line. i've developed an allergy to the kind of tape used so i have angry red blotchy welty splotches all over my arm. she used a different sort of adhesive this time so hopefully it will help.

damn, i just realised how boring this must be for all of you dear readers. i surely wish i could regale you with stories of partying and passion. hell, i wish i could particpate in nights of partying and passion just for my own benefit, not for the purpose of writing!

i'm so in need of some fun! my friend guy came over yesterday afternoon and we had a great time just goofing around and watching rock star supernova and the results show.

anyone else watching? do you enjoy it? i have to say i think i liked last season better with INXS. the contestants seem to have more spark and sizzle that is missing this year, but it's earlier in the season so i lot could happen.

i can't stand the guy ryan star. he's a snotty little wanker (gosh i love that word and rarely ever have a time to use it!)and i can't wait til he's gone. i like the guy john "phil" ritchie, i think he has a beautiful rich timbre to his voice!

as for the women i like dilan robichaux from south africa..she's a true rocker and i love her voice and her stage presence. i also like dana andrews; she has a great clear voice but i'm not sure she's ozzfest enough for these rocker boys. but i like her!

so guy and i watched television and then when the hubby got home we all three cooked dinner together. it was really fun the three of us in the kitchen, laughing and talking and goofing and generally tripping all over each other!

somehow we did manage to get a decent meal prepared and it wasn't bad! guy and i have some plans of starting a new message board, we're both sick of the childish behaviour on our high school alumni board that we manage.. so we're bounced some ideas off each other and id need to do some research because i don't really want to do another MSN board!

well darlin's i'm so tired and am hurting so i'm hoping to get a nap in and then maybe watch a movie later. i'm feeling much better emotionally and feel that the hubby and i did get a lot resolved and today has been nice.

he was at the hospital with me and we had a good day, teasing and joking and just generally feeling like a couple again. we'll see how things go the next time he's feeling angry and frustrated; then we'll find out how much of my conversation sunk in! i'm not giving up on this man! *smile*

~zen 5 little birdies chirped

7:07 p.m. :: ::
fly back :: fly forward