zen puts on her fighting gear
he can be so sweet and loving and then turn on me for no reason. i know he's frustrated by financial problems we are having since i've not worked in months. i know he wants more than anything to buy a house next year.
but why can't he talk to me about his feelings rather than lashing out at me and blaming me for everything. in one way it is my fault. it's not controllable by me. but it's still my body, my illnesses, my surgeries that are the reasons we haven't bought a house yet.
but i want to be his partner, his best friend, his confidante. i want to be able to talk to him about things. does he not realize that i'm frustrated and angry too at this body of mine? that if i could i'd do anything to get us a house.
my plan is to be back to work by beginning of september if the doctors give me the okay. i'm working towards that. but i can only do things as quickly as my body heals.
i don't remember the last time my husband kissed me, or held me. i couldn't give you the date of the last time we had sex. sure i've been giving him blow jobs so that he at least has physical release. but he shows absolutely no interest in ME.
i want him to hold me. i want to lay my head on his chest and have him rub my back and tell me that we're going to be okay. i want him to love me again.
because honestly, i'm not sure that he still does. it's funny because when i was in the hospital last month and he came to visit me every night i felt so close to him. we talked and talked and laughed.
but now i feel him pulling further and further away from me. he never touches me except to change my bandages. is it because i've gained weight? or is because him having to be my "nurse" and change the bandages has caused him to look at me as a sick body and not his wife.
i know that men have a difficult time dealing with illnesses. men have this thing where they NEED to fix things. and when they can't they feel unsatisfied and frustrated.
is this why he's pulling away from me? because i'm a project he can't fix and every time he sees me it reminds him of that?
i want to ask him if he still loves me. but part of me is afraid of what the answer would be. when i first got home from the hospital he was wonderful. caring and attentive.
but gradually that has changed and he's not looking at me the same. the tenderness has changed to bitterness and anger and he seems to find any excuse to last out at me.
*sigh* well enough of whingeing about this and it's time for me to do something about it. i'm just not sure what that is right now. but i do want my marriage to survive. i'll fight for it.
~zen (putting on her fighting gear) 2 little birdies chirped
