dr. jekyll and mr. hyde
then the next day he spins on a dime and he's someone else. for example; yesterday i had a huge healthy salad for lunch so come dinner time i wasn't very hungry. i went into the kitchen and had a craving for something sweet but didn't want to eat anything to rich or fattening. i got down the box of waffle cones and thought i'd just eat one of the cones empty...it's only 90 calories, no fat and will give me the sweetness i crave without junky fat and all.
i'm opening the box of cones and hubby comes in and yells "what the fuck are you eating?". i explain i just wanted a bite of something sweet but was trying to keep it semi-healthy. he just went off on me.
screaming that i didn't eat healthy enough. pointed at my stomach and says in disgust "you are getting FAT, see that tire around your stomach you have now!".
it's true i have gained a couple of pounds since all the surgeries, not being allowed to exercise and probably not eating as well as i should lately.
he keeps going on and and that i'm getting fat and disgusting then says "you better realize that if you get fat like gia and kay that i WILL leave you!, i will not be married to a fat pig!".
gia and kay are my sisters in law and they've both gained weight with the birth of their children. they are quite a bit heavier since hubby's brother's married them, but i wouldn't call them fat. they're probably 30 pounds or so above their marriage weight.
i just stared at hubby and said "i had a large healthy salad for lunch so i just wanted a bite of something sweet. i did eat healthy for lunch."
he just kept going about on about me not taking care of my body and how it was going to shit. i was getting fat he said.
for the record i am 5'3" and right now am weighing 130 pounds, which yes is about 15 pounds more than my normal weight, but sure not what i would call fat!
he said he was so frustrated with me not eating right and gaining weight and all my health problems that he wasn't going to stick around if i got fat. he said there's no way he would have a fat wife.
i'm so proud of myself for keeping my cool and not let him see me cry. i told him to not say anything else to me, i didn't want to hear it.
i'm so sick of defending myself! i know i weigh too much now! doesn't he think i don't see that my jeans are tight. but does he not realize that three years ago i almost died from an anorexia relapse that left me at below 90 pounds and in the hospital in heart failure!
does he not realize that i am terrified of relapsing! that i hate this extra weight but am terrified of going on a diet that could lead to an anorexia relapse?
why is he so kind and caring one day, then the next day is cruel and threatening to leave me. this has been going on and off for years and lately there have been much fewer times of the cruelty.
i feel guilty talking about it. i don't tell my friends or my mom. i love my hubby and i would hate for anybody to think less of him.
but i have to talk to someone about it. i really believe that he doesn't mean that he'll leave me. that he's just frustrated with my health problems and my not working which leads to financial issues.
i know he just gets upset and angry and has no one to take it out on me. he seems to think that if i just ate perfectly and lost weight that i wouldn't have any health problems.
i want to tell him that my health problems stem from a gene mutation: factor V leiden. it's caused the blood clots and destroyed the valves in my legs so that my circulation is shot. it's the blood clots that have caused nerve damage that causes excruicating pain. that's why i have peripheral neuropathy and chronic venous insufficiency.
arrgghh, i'm so frustrated and i want him to know that i HATE being sick and in pain all the time. i loved working and want to work again. i want a normal life and a normal body.
he wants a normal beautiful wife. he is stuck with me and it frustrates him. so what do i do? just ignore this outburst and know in a day or two it will have blown over and he'll be back to the funny, kind hubby that i love to spend time with?
~zen (sad and fat) 6 little birdies chirped
