a completely self-centered whiny entry...beware!

that has been my life for so many years now. it's beyond frustrating lately. i go to the park for short walks with the hubby on saturday and sunday...end up spending monday couchbound. walk with hubby on tuesday spend wednesday and thursday couchbound.

i just want to scream it's not fair...which is just stupid because life isn't fair and why should i expect this nothappen to me. does someone else deserve it instead...no.

but i don't want it either! i'm 41 freakin' years old and i used to scuba dive...i could carry a full pack and tanks and jump off boats. i played beach volleyball...i rollergladed.

now i hurt to walk to the kitchen. hips feel like bone crushing bone. legs scream the nerve damage and circulatory disease every. single. minute.

i can use the crutches if i go out for long, so i can at least take some of the pressure of my back and hips. but that doesn't help the legs.

sometimes i feel that if i were single, i wouldn't mind as much, because one thing i mind SO much is that i can't be there for my hubby.

i can't be the partner he deserves. to go play sports with...etc. we can't just pick up and go do something. i'ts all based on my illnesses. we have no spontaneity left and i hate that for him. he deserves SO much better.

i don't know what to do? i am seriously at a loss. i can whine and cry and scream to the heavens and my diary...but all that is is a stress release.

it doesn't fix my body and it doesn't help my hubby. how can i learn to accept the changes in my life and still be a fun happy hopeful person to be around?

no one likes being around someone who hurts all the time. i try very hard not to bring people down when they are around me.

but it doesn't help when hubby wants to plan things and go places and i. can't. go.

ack, sorry for this long whiny bitter rant. i know i'm lucky in so very many ways. and i am thankful for everything i do have in my life.

but there's still this part of me that just wants to throw a tantrum!

~zen (puts self down for nap) 1 little birdies chirped