Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

morphine, anorexia and breasts...what more could you ask for?

so...i've written so many entries in my head the past few days.

i'm trying to quit taking my pain meds because they just make me feel so disconnected and lethargic. they zap my creativity and all i want to do is lie on the sofa and watch tv.

so the past week i've been slowly decreasing my dose and am now on day three of NO morphine. yes, you heard it right. no pain pills in this body at all.

after years of being on morphine, percocet, oxycontin.

the thing is, i'm going to have pain forever. they can't fix what is wrong with my legs. i have to learn to live with it and i don't want to live the rest of my life on narcotics.

so i'm trying to exercise and eat better and see if that helps some. i figure it can't help...right? but it H U R T S....of course it does and it is going to for. the. rest. of. my. life. so i have to learn to deal.

the food is another weird issue for me. i've been anorexic and/or bulimic for the past 25 years and i have now declared i am going to get OVER IT!

for almost a week now, i've been trying to eat normally. and it's so frightening to see how difficult that is. when i get hungry my very FIRST instinct is to deny it, refuse it, fight it. i have to tell myself "eating is good, good for the brain good for the body, go feed yourself". so i go eat, and it tastes good and it feels good...W O W. who'da thunk it? lol

i am just amazed at how brainwashed i have become. and i did it to myself. never eat when hungry, only eat if you don't feel you need it. never give in, never feed the hunger, never feed the body, fight, fight, fight.

why did i do this to myself? what was i thinking? this beautiful body i was given, i've almost destroyed with starving and purging. i almost killed this body to be thin.

i took a shower this morning and as i soaped my tummy and breasts i just kept thinking what a beautiful body women have, and how could i have treated this body so horribly?

what was wrong with me that i starved and cut and burned and tried to destroy this poor body that was given to me.

so...i'm so scared to say i'm changing and things will be different. i'm afraid in two or three days i'll change my mind and dissolve back into that insipid anorexic girl again.

but i don't want to! i want to take up space in this world. i want to be seen and be counted and be noticed! i want to sell my jewelry and be noticed!

whew, scarey shit...but good, ya know?

~zen 5 little birdies chirped

11:22 p.m. :: ::
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