an apology of sorts...

well i did get an apology of sorts from j, the hubby. we went to the library last night and then had to make a stop at the grocery. i decided to wait in the car, because my legs were hurting and i still wasn't feeling too sociable to him yet.

when he came back to the car he said he'd only bought himself decaf soda. he said he was doing so well when he was off of caffeine at keeping calm and not getting angry so easily, but when he started drinking lots of caffeine it made him get angry so easily.

i said "so you're saying the caffeine is the reason you were being so hateful to me".

he said "i know i get mean when i'm irritable. things just get to me so much more and i feel angry all of the time. i know i'm not a nice person sometimes".

i said "yes, you can be outright cruel to me and you don't even seem to realize how much that hurts me".

his reply was that he was going back on decaf soda and hoped it would help his anger problems.

so..at least he admitted his behvaiour was wrong and even tho i didn't get an outright "i'm very sorry for my words"...he did seem to feel badly.

so for now i am going to let the subject drop and see if his attitude changes. i mean yes caffeine could make him irritable and more prone to anger, but i don't think he would say those things to me if he didn't feel that way to a certain degree.

as far as counseling goes, i've tried to get him to go in the past, and he's totally against the idea of therapists. says he doesn't believe in them...hell they aren't santa claus! *smile* he also doesn't believe in depression, thinks it is a choice people make to be depressed.

and as a person who has dealth with clinical depression since i was 14 i find that exasperating! i'm now on a therapeutic dose of effexor and my depression is under control as much as the meds can do it. but it's something i just can't talk to him about.

i do love my hubby and want this marriage to work. and sometimes things are SO good between us, but when they are bad, they're very bad. i know he loves me, he's just so frustrated by all these medical problems which have led to so many financial problems that he takes that out one me.

i wish he could understand how much i HATE my health problems, i hate that i can't do all the things i used to do, i hate that i can't seem to hold down a job more than a few months before i get fired for missing too much work for doctor's appt's and hospitalisations. i want my life back!! and i've tried to do everything i can to make it happen. that's why i've had these surgeries..in the hope that something will be the THING that works!

anyway...my jewelry business has had a good week! i've had several orders...most of them custom orders...i seem to get more custom orders than i do just selling things off of my website. but hey a sale is a sale and i love designing new things! if anyone is interested they can see me site here:

www.spiral-bliss.com

love zen, off to play with pretty beads! 1 little birdies chirped