waiting for the other shoe to drop.
then stress intrudes and the real j comes out. what brought it all tonight was just so stupid. i got two new jewelry orders for custom made pieces and i was so excited. i went running into the computer room to tell him.
he said sarcastically "and i suppose you're going to have to order more supplies before you can even make them". i said "well yeah, i am going to have to order a few things but i'll make good money on this order". his response was that my jewelry business is just costing him money and i'm not nearly making enough profit.
i tried to explain to him that if you look at the big picture i am making a profit at this jewelry business...but yeah, it's a bit slow. but all businesses take time to get off the ground and rarely make much money right away. you have to put money into the business first.
and with designing jewelry, especially doing custom orders; there is an initial investment in ordering supplies. j said he doesn't have time to wait for me to get the business growing, that he's sick and tired of me not working and bringing in a decent paycheck.
i told him that i've only been off a couple of months and it's not like it's because i don't want to work but because physically i can't right now. but once i have my surgery next week to repair my spinal cord stimulator i should be able to start job hunting six weeks after that..as long as everything goes well.
he said that i had no choice but to go back to work full time...even if i was in horrible pain and sick as a dog i had to go to work and bring in a paycheck and if i'm not working by july i better find somewhere else to live because he will not support me anymore.
i just walked off because he'd hurt my feelings and i didn't want to get into a big fight with him. went out on the front porch to smoke and he decided to come out with me. uh oh!
he tells me that he's sick of being broke, that over the past five years i haven't held down any jobs due to my health problems. i told him that i try but i can't help it when i end up in the hospital, or doctor's telling me i'm not allowed to work due to health problems.
he said he didn't care...that he couldn't handle it anymore and that if i couldn't get and hold down a full time job he wanted out of the marriage. i said what happened to those vows you said "for better for worse, in sickness and in health"...he said "that's what divorce is for".
i told him that he wasn't hurting for anything. that for christmas he got his five hundred dollar beer fridge, his two 21" flat screen monitors, his new video card...for his birthday he got a new MP3 player installed in his sebring convertible....which he bought without discussing with me and is part of the reason we're so broke right now.
i told him, i got nothing for christmas while you got everything you wanted. he said he wanted more than that, and that he was working full time, he deserved it. he said "i won't be married to a wife who can't work...and if you end up on disability i want you to move out". i told him that was cruel and he was selfish.
he said "yes, i agree i'm selfish and i never should have gotten married. i like things my way and i like being able to buy what i want. i can't stand being broke anymore".
i just didn't know what to say to that. i hate being sick. i hate having legs that don't work right, and chronic pain in my hips, back and legs. i hate that i can't work and bring in a paycheck right now. i keep wanting to shout at him " i hate this too! i hate feeling this way! and it doesn't help when you say mean things like that".
i really think he hates being married to me. i'm so sick of this rollercoaster of him threatening to throw me out. this happens every few months...he decides he can't handle me anymore, can't handle the illnesses, the pain and the expense of me. said i'm a drain on him.
then things calm down and we get into a happy routine again and i start feeling relaxed and secure again, confident that he loves me enough to deal with the health problems. then something will start it up again.
sometimes i wish he would just leave me...just so i can quit waiting with bated breath for that other shoe to drop.
~zen - sad and in pain. 6 little birdies chirped
