Zen's Aviary...
Home of the Parrot-Loving, Slightly Neurotic,

Jewelry Designing, Enigmatic Pagan Chick!

it's the weekend...

quiet weekend so far...the weather has been gorgeous and i've spent a lot of time on my front porch balcony watching the birds (not parrots!) play in the honeysuckle bushes that overlay the porch and eat from my birdfeeders. they are so much fun to watch. their own little community! they play and squabble and snuggle. it's so relaxing to watch them.

today the hubby had an eye doctor appointment so we went to do that and run our errands. he ended up getting bifocal contacts! how cool is that...now he doesn't have to deal with reading glasses! i helped him pick out new frames as well..he'll be stylin'!

went to wallyworld to pick up more birdseed for the outsider feeders and some things for the fish tank. being a zookeeper gets expensive! *grin* but i wouldn't have it any other way!

this afternoon i was completely lazy..finished one book and started another one (i'll do a book review entry soon, i promise)....then a friend came over and we cooked out on the grill. now i'm back on the couch again catching up on diaries. it's still pretty early so not sure if i'll go do anything more tonight. i'm really tired and legs are hurting so it'll probably be the couch for the rest of the evening for me.

i'm kind of nervous about this surgery...i hate waking up from anesthesia to the pain from the incisions...but the worst of that is over in a few days.

one thing i am scared of is that the hubby and i both have so many hopes hinged on this surgery fixing things. we've talked ourselves into believing that as soon as the stim is working right again that i'll be back to work and all will be okay again.

we keep forgetting that i was still on morphine even when the stim was working and i still missed too much work for doctor's appointments and tests and stuff. that's how i lost my last three jobs. i get the: "we really like you and love the work you do for us, unfortunately you just miss too much work"

and i do understand where they are coming from. employers need to know that you are going to be there when you are supposed to be. but i'm going to keep a positive attitude and go from there!

it's hard being the "sick" one in the relationship. feeling like i don't carry my share of the financial load especially. i've missed so many paychecks and lost too many jobs due to my medical problems. i feel guilty that i don't carry my weight.

i used to play on a co-ed softball team with the hubby, played volleyball, rollerbladed, went scuba diving and boating. but for the past five years i've been so limited as my health has worsened. it's frustrating as hell. i'm too young to live this way!

i hate it for the sake of my hubby who's still active and healthy. i want to be able to go for hikes with him and play volleyball and disc golf. i want to be able to be the wife he deserves. gawd, i sound like a whiny bitch. i do have so many wonderful things in my life and i know i'm lucky in so many ways.

i have a beautiful daughter, a loving hubby, my zoo here at home, my wireless laptop, satellite tivo, books, movies etc. i've got my blossoming jewelry business. but the one thing i still want........my health, and i'm so scared it will continue to worsen and i get older.

~zen - feeling a bit morose tonight. 1 little birdies chirped

6:10 p.m. :: ::
fly back :: fly forward